Sucks.

Me and my dogs...music, fire...seven years less of my children.  Moments of freedom and happiness.  Moments of the future...faith.  Moments of deep sadness, loss, anger, and everything in between.  The pity party is not in my game but it's hard to not go down that dark and lonely road.  Maybe some spice from Speyside helps but not really.  Often simply sleep, distraction, and a new sunrise is the key.  Juggling...this is life.  Where did you get the idea that if you "do everything right" you will be free from hardship and pain.  Why me?  It is the test of extreme silence...breath.  Times when the normal grey sky of the New England spring feels more like a suffocating pillow on the face....the mud..beneath is spring flowers I am told.  Trust.  Getting tired of being strong.  Want to be weak but can't.  Smile, work, play, sun.  The weight of my tiny tiny world on my shoulders...let it go.  I miss my kids.  When I have them it is so tiring and hard but I miss them.  I want to feel stable.  I want to know but I do know wanting to know is holding onto something I cannot hold on to.  Let it go. Breath.  Surrounded by goodness and opportunity but sometimes it just feels ok to say.... THIS SUCKS.