Yes and No

To be surrounded by so many wonderful people but to feel so alone.  Feeling alone is sometimes such a wonderful thing.  I sit here, music playing, fire going, having just spent another night with friends and yet still feeling an emptiness that sometimes feel bottomless.  It goes and goes into the abyss of my stomach and soul.  Tomorrow's rest will fill it up again to a workable level, enough gas to get through another short road trip but never enough for that fuel security we all hope and dream for.  Another night...step.  Look back.  Step again.  Baby steps that seem like they take an eternity but eternity is undefinable and insurmountable.  I look forward to the day when eternity does not feel like forever but feels like tomorrow.  Tomorrow will come.  When?  When? Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day or the next year.  Patience is a virtue for those who look at tomorrow as the next destination.  When the map leads to nowhere patience is unsettling and drastic.  Find the point on the map and go but which direction to go.  Move forward to the unknown.  Step.  Step again.  Maybe the cliche is important tonight...the journey and not the destination is the thing to focus on.  The journey, wherever it goes.

Sure

Are we ever sure about anything that we do?  I think there was a time in my life that I thought I was sure about things but today, complete confidence in my sureness is very iffy.  I learned years ago about a series of consecutive questions you should ask yourself when looking at a class V rapid.  The answers should always be a confident "yes" if you are to run the rapid.  And since the consequence of a class V rapid can often be death that "yes" is very important.  As the years have past I have learned that those same questions pertain to almost every question in life.  Here they are:

1. What is the move I need to make?
2. Am I able to make that move?
3. What are the consequences if I miss the move?
4. Am I willing to live with those consequences?

I have found that I return to these four questions all the time.  They are very simple and yet they are so revealing as you get used to answering them for yourself.  Over time, they come quickly with every decision and the answers come even quicker.  The goal is to train yourself so that you can run through them in a split second and then make your decision in the next second.  Are there times when you will get it wrong?  Absolutely....but you need to trust yourself when you make the decision.  If there is doubt....don't do it.  Doubt....what a terrible feeling...life or death.

On being Human

Dark places deep deep inside.....fillet me alive.  For every step into the light there is a half a step into the darkness.  In darkness there is so much to learn and feel....experience it....feel it ooze.  Sitting on the edge of the precipice and feeling so alive.  The fear is so invigorating.  Being a pleasure seeking human can be overrated because in the non-pleasure there is so much truth and isn't that the penultimate?  In truth there is both suffering and freedom.  Freedom to fly but suffering every single inch of the the feeling....feel it.  The end.  The cracks.  The decay.  Mmmmmmmm.  Maybe experience feeling the elation after the desperation lets me fully feel the dark....the dark...the dark.  The cracks begin to show.  The fingertips feel the flow but the soul is so slow to come around.  In the light it is so easy to walk but in the darkness you have to stop and fully consider what will be your guide.  What will be it?  Just step one foot in front of another and trust that darkness can't last forever but in this moment...right now...there is something so good about walking in the darkness.  My mind and the black.  So simple.  Breath...step.  Breath again...step.

Sailing

This post is a direct response to a post a few back called Drifting.  Drifting is a verb that signifies an action that is somewhat passive.  It is happening but you have very little ability to influence the outcome.  Sailing on the other hand is more about freedom.  Yes, the ride is still on some natural medium, but the action is the combination of catching the wind at your back, tugging on lines, and finding that groove that makes the hull hum.  There is a time and a place for drifting.  There is benefit to the long days of waiting....it allows for time inside the soul contemplating every dark corner of the soul.  A time to clean a few of those collected cobwebs.  However, once sailing again, the excitement of the unexpected is there.  The wind in in your face instead of swirling around you.  Ahhhhh, sailing.

Single parenting

I used to look forward to a few days alone with the kids.  I could do it "my way" a bit and it normally felt more like a bit of an adventure than the reality of life smacking you in the face like a misdirected 2x4.  Today, as I made dinner, read stories, chased chickens, played legos, had dinner, cleaned dinner, cleaned kitchen, made lunches, gave baths, read more stories, and eventually got everyone to bed I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown.  It's and odd feeling because all I want in the world is to spend time with my kids and then when I have them all I want is to get to bed time.  That is a terrible place to be.  I am hoping that with time it gets easier and I can enjoy the moments more.  I am relatively good at stopping and enjoying or remembering to walk at their speed and watch at their level but tonight I am so tired.  To tired in fact.  But, I guess this is single parenting.  I hope I get better at it.

RE: Landfalls and Departures

When I was in college I sat for a speech called "Landfalls and Departures" by one of my favorite professors at UNH.  He was water man, having spent most of his career on and around the water, teaching about sailing ships and maritime history.  That day I knew I was listening to something very important but at the time I could not quite figure out why.  Basically the speech was about how in life we have a succession of landfalls and departures, as a sailing ship might.  We come into port, tired, weary, and ready for the stability of solid ground and the luxuries of port.  However, not long after landfall, the excitement of departure sets in and we gear up for another great voyage, filled with opportunity, fear, and excitement.

I have been sailing for the last thirteen years.  Yes, there has been small landfalls and departures but never the complete retool, head on out, mega departure.  I get it now....about 8 months ago my ship made landfall.  It was both a blessing and curse to put my weary feet on solid ground.  The fear of setting sail again lasted almost 8 months.  There is so much on the high seas to scare the living shit out of you and the last sail was just so long.  I am not sure if we depart tomorrow or the next day or the next but I do know departure is coming soon.  The fear of what is out there is still inside me but the excitement and opportunity of the journey is starting to take hold.  I do hope that my soul decides to sail again soon.  I could use the blank horizon and the rhythmic rock of the sea.

Grrrrrr.

I have never felt anger like this before....the intensity, the onset, and the quick shift back.  The feeling is like being trapped in a cage, scrambling to break free, but no way to actually get out.  My heart races and I feel the rush of blood in my head.  I find myself frantically looking around for relief. The worst moments that relief came from a window, a box, and a garden tool.  So fucking stupid.  I'm not quite sure what to do with it when it comes. I write, I run, I hide, I swing.  Sometimes I sit on my hands and wait....just like watching as my world falls around me, I just wait and hope that it will past.  Time may be the answer but letting time be the answer feels too much like giving up.  The scary part is that I know more is coming but I don't know when.  Thanks a lot.